


Small, with a Large Shadow

by driv3top



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5 Year Mission, Altamid, Angst, Arguing, Aviophobia, Does Not Pass the Bechdel Test, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Medical Procedure, Minor Choking, Minor Christine Chapel/Nyota Uhura, Past Relationship(s), Past Spock/Nyota Uhura, Shore Leave, Touch Telepathy, battle of yorktown, cursing, spock's pov, spones - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27169759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driv3top/pseuds/driv3top
Summary: Aboard the Enterprise, Spock notices when the Doctor avoids facing the viewscreen on the Bridge, when he sits furthest from the observation window in the Captain’s cabin, and recalls that he has never seen Dr. McCoy on the Observation Deck. Spock watches, and the urge to speak with the Doctor gnaws at his thoughts.It is illogical to continue to dwell on the issue. Dr. McCoy has more than proven his capability as Chief Medical Officer a multitude of times, despite his phobia. As the Doctor’s superior officer, he should be content with this. However, he is most assuredly not.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock, Spock & Nyota Uhura
Comments: 8
Kudos: 50
Collections: Trektober 2020





	Small, with a Large Shadow

**Author's Note:**

> “Fear has a large shadow, but he himself is small.” - Ruth Rendler
> 
> Trektober Prompt: Day 13, Shuttlecraft
> 
> Thank you [maethebassclarinetist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maethebassclarinetist/pseuds/maethebassclarinetist) and [UniversalSatan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UniversalSatan/pseuds/UniversalSatan) for Beta'ing my work!

The first time that Spock truly notices Dr. McCoy’s discomfort with spacecraft is during their escape flight, and subsequent crash landing on Altamid. 

Despite Spock’s current turmoil regarding the searing pain in his abdomen, the Ambassador’s death, and the attack on the _Enterprise_ , the sheer rush of leftover panic Dr. McCoy projects through their slight handclasp is overwhelming - _concern, terror, grief_ \- and clears Spock’s concerns in a torrent. 

Recovering from the shock, Spock takes hold of the situation, not trusting the Doctor to make decisions for them in his emotional state. Dr. McCoy interrupts his efforts.

“What the hell are you _doing_?”

“We must keep moving Doctor,”

Spock is pressed backward onto the escape craft as Dr. McCoy tears down his attempts to debate their next actions forward. Through the Doctor’s medical preparation and procedure, Spock is fascinated with the Doctor’s outward control, having only just felt his fear. Dr. McCoy’s movements are deliberate and sure, removing the shrapnel with practiced ease.

As Spock is contemplating the implications of the emotional disparity between the physically calm hand resting firm, steadily on his chest and the dread seeping through that hand, his world turns white with pain.

  
  


***

Spock does not think of this incongruity again until they are onboard the USS _Franklin_ , preparing for on-planet takeoff. His Captain contacts Mr. Scott, Keenser, and Dr. McCoy for their status, and Spock is suppressing thoughts of the aching pain in his abdomen from the emergency surgery the Doctor performed.

As Dr. McCoy relays his grievances, Spock recalls the chess game where the Captain told him the story of the start of his Starfleet career.

_“Y’know, Bones and I met on the last transport for academy recruits that day,”_

_Jim smirks as he moves a pawn forward. “Poor Bones was so nervous he had to be dragged out of the transport bathroom and then he threw up all over my shoes. We’ve been best friends since.”_

_Spock looks up from their game. “For a person with severe aviophobia, it would be illogical to join a primarily space-faring organization such as Starfleet.”_

_“Well all that matters is I’m here, aren’t I?” McCoy grumbles, lying supine in his seat. “If I weren’t here who would look after the two of you?”_

_Spock pauses and withholds the response that any CMO stationed aboard the Enterprise would “look after” him and the Captain, and takes the words for the friendship McCoy meant to convey._

_Jim looks back and forth between them with warm eyes and says, “I’m glad that I have the both of you here, with me,” and grasps McCoy’s shoulder._

_McCoy looks up at Spock with a small, genuine smile. “Yeah, Jim, I’m glad we’re here, too.”_

Spock is pulled from the memory by the shuddering _Franklin_ and he wonders how the doctor is faring now, with the ship hurtling towards the planet’s surface.

***

As the new _Enterprise_ is built, the crew’s stay at Yorktown is hardly restful. Between the disciplinary hearings, recovery of the original _Enterprise_ ’s survivors on Altamid, and preparation for the new ship and her mission, Spock does not have much time to spend with the crew.

Jim’s surprise party comes as an oasis within the constant, dry work. Spock is relieved to reconcile with Nyota with a shy, new friendship in the wake of their romantic parting and is pleased to see her continue to wear his mother’s necklace. He does not think about what Nyota’s fate may have been if she had returned the necklace to him before their mission.

Surprisingly, his thoughts linger on McCoy after the Doctor smirks at him and Nyota. Spock thinks of their time in the alien structure on Altamid, and decides smiling is better suited to McCoy.

“I can see you’re distracted,” Nyota prods with a tentative smile.

“I apologize, Nyota. I only just remembered a fascination with a certain crew member's actions on the last mission, you now have my full attention.”

“No, no it’s alright Spock, we haven’t had much time to rest lately. I admit my thoughts are wandering, too.” She leans in to say softly, “I read in the mission reports how you found us, on Altamid. Chris and Gaila wanted to thank you for rescuing us all.”

Spock relaxes with the teasing, warm with the knowledge Nyota does not view the Vulcan pendant the same way McCoy had.

He raises an eyebrow. “I did not know you and Nurse Chapel became close.”

Nyota teasingly bumps his side with her elbow. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” she says, with a bright grin.

“Now, who is this crew member who is so _fascinating_?” she says, and impossibly, her grin seems even wider.

Ah. Spock looks down and his fingers shift across the glass in his hand. “I -” he starts, “I have found myself concerned with Dr. McCoy in the weeks after the last mission. It is due to emotions I felt from him, when my telepathic control was compromised from my injury, that did not match his actions on the planet. I would like to speak with him on the subject, but I am unsure if my query would be welcome.”

Nyota’s smile softens, “Spock, even if it wasn’t welcome he would forgive you. Leonard cares dearly about you and Kirk, you’re his best friends.” She pushes him towards Jim. “Now go keep our Captain company, it wouldn’t do to have him all alone on his birthday.”

As Spock lets her guide him towards Jim, he decides to let the matter rest, for now.

***

“So… you’re staying with us on the _Enterprise_ , then?” McCoy says, sidling up to Spock on the transport to the _Enterprise_.

Spock turns his head, “I believe due to our current location, my intentions should be obvious, Doctor. However, I have learned from you that extensive Terran medical degrees do not often indicate developed observation skills.”

McCoy reddens, “Dammit Spock, I was only askin’ about why you’re here and not on the first ferry to New Vulcan.”

“I do not know why humans often ask one question when they mean to ask another.” Spock relents. “Yes, I will continue to serve as the _Enterprise_ ’s First Officer for the foreseeable future. Doctor, would you like to find a seat before we depart?”

McCoy tenses, then lets out a deep breath. “Was tryin’ not to think too much about that departing part, actually. Yeah, we should go get strapped in.”

McCoy lets Spock guide him to the nearest set of chairs with Spock’s hand lightly applying pressure to the small of his back. Spock efficiently secures both of their straps and rests his hands on his knees.

“Doctor?”

McCoy jolts his head from where his gaze was fastened to the nearest porthole. “Yes, Spock?”

“The only two people I informed about my plans to leave Starfleet were you and Lt. Uhura. Thank you for your understanding and guidance on the matter, as well as your discretion.”

“Aw Spock, I thought Vulcans didn’t do thank you’s,” McCoy needles, eyes crinkling. Spock is pleased to see the Doctor’s tense form released, if only slightly. 

“I have found that while Vulcans do not thank one another, the crew responds best when I voice my appreciation for them.” Spock adds, “I would also like to thank you for saving my life after our pod crash. If we had followed through with my plan to find the crew without treating my injury, I would likely have perished on the planet.”

“Well, other than it being my job, I figure I’d miss these if we ever lost you.” Spock shudders imperceptibly as the Doctor softly flicks the pointed tip of Spock’s ear with the pad of his thumb. “And anyway, Jim would kill me if I had ever left you behind.”

Spock doubts that Jim would do anything of the sort in that situation, but says nothing. The rest of the short transport ride progresses smoothly and Spock is gratified to see the Doctor lost in thought, as opposed to fraught with thoughts of flying.

***

Aboard the _Enterprise_ , Spock continues to notice Dr. McCoy. He notices when the Doctor avoids facing the viewscreen on the Bridge, when he sits furthest from the observation window in the Captain’s cabin, and recalls that he has never seen Dr. McCoy on the Observation Deck. Spock watches, and the urge to speak with the Doctor gnaws at his thoughts. 

It is illogical to continue to dwell on the issue. Dr. McCoy has more than proven his capability as Chief Medical Officer a multitude of times, despite his phobia. As the Doctor’s superior officer, he should be content with this. However, as McCoy’s friend, he is most assuredly not.

“Mr. Spock? Alpha shift ended. Are you well?”

Spock, shaken from his thoughts, looks up from the science station and the Captain is looking at him with concern. 

“Yes Captain, I am physically fit. Your concern is noted, I would let you know if I was unwell.”

Jim peers at Spock, then relaxes. “Alright, Spock. I’ll see you for a game tonight?”

Spock lets the corner of his mouth curve slightly. “Of course, Captain.” Jim grins at him and leaves for the turbolift. Spock turns for a moment towards his station.

“Computer, please locate Dr. McCoy.”

“Dr. Leonard McCoy is currently located in Sickbay.”

“Is he currently attending to any patients?”

“There is no record of injury on the ship in the last hour.”

Spock makes a decision. Entering the turbolift, he selects the Mess Hall and rests on his heels. Spock wonders, how should he approach the Doctor about his concern? Should he admit to McCoy that he has been distracted since leaving Yorktown? Spock exits the turbolift, retrieves two meals from the mess, and heads towards Sickbay.

“Ah, Mr. Spock what brings you here?” Nurse Chapel glances up from sorting inventory and brightens as he walks through the bay doors. 

Spock sets the trays down on a clear surface, walks over to Christine and nonverbally asks to assist by making an aborted motion toward the medical equipment. The Nurse smiles and nods, and Spock begins sorting the items according to her stacks. 

“I am here to see if the Doctor is done with his administrative tasks for the day,” Spock explains, momentarily soothed by the pseudo-meditative task of sorting.

“Oh, he’ll be along soon. You can go and check on him in a few minutes. Today was fairly uneventful so his paperwork shouldn’t keep him much longer,” Christine replies. Spock hums in confirmation and he lets his thoughts wander. Christine looks at Spock for a moment as if about to ask a question, and Spock wonders whether Nyota had said something to her.

A few minutes later, the Doctor’s door slides open and he looks with surprise over to Spock and Christine.

McCoy slides next to Christine, bumps her shoulder and asks playfully, “Is this man botherin’ you Chris?”

“Well I don’t know Len. I have one man here helping me keep my Sickbay in working order and another making me lose count of my boxes,” Christine says, a laugh building in her voice. She winks and leans in to whisper, too loud to be in any way secretive, “He brought you dinner Len.”

“Oh did he know?” McCoy grins and Spock feels warm when their eyes meet. “To what do I owe the pleasure, Mr. Spock?”

“I have an academic fascination for which I would appreciate your input,” Spock explains. He fiddles with the box in his hands. “I was hoping we could discuss it while eating.”

“I would enjoy that very much, Spock.” Dr. McCoy says, gaze softening.

“Alright you two, move it before those trays get cold,” Christine teases, taking the box in Spock’s hand and lightly shoving McCoy toward the office. “And Len, you better eat all he brought you, I know you had nutrition bars for lunch today.”

McCoy, chastised, escapes into his office. Spock retrieves the trays and follows him. 

“That woman is a right menace sometimes,” McCoy says fondly as they sit at the desk. “I skip one full meal and suddenly it’s _her_ Sickbay.”

Spock raises his eyebrow, “I admit I do not know what you mean.” He takes a sip of the tea on his tray. “It was to my understanding that when the CMO is medically unwell, authority goes to the next highest ranking on shift.”

McCoy gapes in mock indignation from across the table, and then smirks. “Well of course you’d take her side, Uhura might put you in the doghouse otherwise.”

“Regardless of any relationships I may or may not be in, I am only stating regulation, Doctor.” Spock waits until, ah, there. “However, I am additionally unbiased due to my recent bachelor status.”

McCoy chokes on his drink, looks up and sees Spock’s mouth twitch.

“You did that on purpose!” McCoy protests, wiping his face with his sleeve. “So you’re unattached then. Huh. I thought Uhura and you worked it out… when I saw you at Jim’s party-”

“Lt. Uhura and I still care for one another, Doctor. We are only no longer romantic partners.”

The Doctor frowns. “Well Spock I’m real sorry about that, I can tell she really means a lot to you.”

“Your sympathy is noted, however, it is unneeded. I am satisfied with Lt. Uhura’s and my current relationship.” Spock gestures at McCoy’s tray with his fork, “You should eat, Doctor.”

“Alright well, I suppose that’s what I get for pryin’.” The Doctor looks at his tray, then up at Spock, surprised. “Peach cobbler, greens, and biscuits & gravy, Spock?”

“I was hoping to have you in an amiable mood for this discussion,” Spock says, tilting his head slightly to the right. 

“Ah, well alright I’ll bite.” McCoy takes a mouthful of the collard greens and hums as he swallows, content. “What’s this _academic fascination_ that’s got you talkin’ to me?”

Spock is suddenly caught “wrong-footed”, as the Doctor would say. Spock sits for a moment in silence as he contemplates how to begin.

“Something tells me this isn’t your run-of-the-mill experiment, Spock. Otherwise you’d have talked about it with me when I visited the Bridge before lunch,” McCoy muses, eyes meeting Spock’s cautiously.

“There is a crewmember -” Spock starts, “There is a crewmember that has been monopolizing my thoughts since departing Yorktown. I am not concerned about them in a professional capacity, but a personal one. The concern and the fascination are due to emotions I unwillingly read from them through touch telepathy.” Spock looks up from his tray. “I do not know how to approach them on this subject.”

“Spock?” McCoy asks, pleasant demeanor slightly damped.

“Yes, Doctor?”

McCoy pokes absently at the food on his tray and looks to the side. “Which emotions, Spock?”

“Doctor, well,” Spock takes a breath. “He was terrified, and although it did not prevent him from performing optimally, I find myself feeling -” Spock catches McCoy’s elusive glance by pulling on the man’s sleeve, “- protective.”

McCoy’s face pales, then reddens and shakes off Spock’s grip as he spits out. “I don’t want your _pity_.”

“Doctor, I assure you I do not pity you at all. You are my friend and I only wish to soothe your distress.”

“Well I don’t want any of that either,” the Doctor says, bristling and glare hardening. “I'm a grown man, Commander, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk on things you don’t understand.”

Spock looks at his tray, and feels small. He recalls what Nyota said about forgiveness - and hopes. “I am sorry, Dr. McCoy,” he says, softly.

The Doctor looks at him critically, waiting for Spock to continue, and when no more words are forthcoming McCoy breathes out, “Bless your heart, it’s fine Spock.” McCoy reaches to rest a reassuring hand on Spock’s wrist, and is red with embarrassment. “I don’t like talkin’ about it and I’m sorry that I’ve driven you to worry, I know it’s not healthy for Vulcans’n all.” The Doctor looks contemplative as he observes where his fingers touch Spock. “Join me on the next shore leave.”

“Excuse me Doctor?”

“Just, you’ll understand then. Let’s drop this before the nice dinner you brought gets any chiller.” McCoy abruptly leans back into his seat and pointedly tucks into his food, obviously avoiding further conversation.

Spock feels a mix of relief and frustration as he tentatively finishes his gespar fruit and spiced tea, and knows that the evening’s meditation will need to be particularly long. 

***

“May I ask for your advice on a personal matter?”

Jim stills the hand hovering over the chessboard, and to Spock’s alarm, appears to vibrate with barely contained delight. Eyes shining and happy he says, “Well, of course Mr. Spock, what can I help you with?”

Spock realizes suddenly this is the first time he has asked his Captain for consultation on a non-professional subject. Spock notices his friend’s obvious glee and decides that should he need assistance on related subjects in the future, he will talk to Jim.

“I have upset Dr. McCoy,” Spock admits, carefully.

“Would this have anything to do with a certain First Officer overlooking ship rotation this afternoon?” 

Green dusts his cheek, but Spock notices his Captain’s humorous, not reprimanding, tone. “Yes Captain.”

Jim moves a piece on the board. “Normally, Spock, I would be reassured by an amicable disagreement between the both of you.” He looks pointedly at Spock. “Was this disagreement… unamicable?” 

Spock suddenly feels exhausted, days of insufficient meditation and frustration abruptly making themselves known, physically. He recalls what the Doctor had said about this worry being unhealthy. Jim’s brow furrows in concern at the subtle slackening of Spock’s form.

“No, Captain. The Doctor and I are now on cordial terms,” Spock says. Although Spock trusts Jim with his life, discussing his emotions had previously been a rare ritual he had shared only with Nyota. Spock comes to the slow realization that he can empathize with the Doctor’s reluctance to discuss his strong emotions earlier in Sickbay. 

Spock tucks away his discomfort to meditate on later in the evening and continues, “Dr. McCoy’s aviophobia is very severe.” Spock moves his next chess piece absently. “I have found myself plagued by thoughts of the fear and discomfort he must experience aboard the _Enterprise_.”

“Oh Spock.” The Captain’s eyes crinkle and his gaze becomes achingly soft. Spock momentarily allows himself to bask in the raw affection that Jim has only become comfortable sharing after years of mutual trust. The Captain settles and crosses his arms in contemplation. “So. You confronted him, and he bit at you, then?”

“Yes. Jim I admit -” Spock swallows, “I knew that his reaction had an 89.7 percent likelihood of being negative based on our previous communications, however, I had to confront him for my own peace of mind. I am ashamed of how preoccupied I have been with thoughts of the Doctor since our mission departure.” Spock thinks of the bright smile of the Doctor in the alien structure on Altamid, and aches. “I do not want my friends to live in fear, Jim.”

The Captain’s smile turns smug and Spock is reminded momentarily of the arrogant cadet who hacked the Kobayashi Maru, half a decade ago. “So, you’ve been _preoccupied_ with thoughts of Dr. McCoy, then?” Jim asks. Spock thinks that McCoy would describe the Captain’s grin as “shit-eating”.

Spock flushes a dark green and he curses his body’s reaction to the teasing. “Captain, this is a serious matter,” he insists.

The Captain’s eyes twinkle with barely restrained mirth, but he concedes. “Of course. I admit I did not consider how much it might affect him, being aboard a starship.” Jim props his elbows on the table and sets his head on his hands. “What did Bones have to say to you when you approached him?”

“He told me that I would understand if I joined him on the ship’s next shore leave in a week, Captain. Although I want to trust the Doctor’s decisions regarding his own state of mind, I do not know if I can wait that long for insight.” Spock straightens. “What should I do?”

Jim moves a piece on the board thoughtfully and Spock is unsurprised to see his friend is positioned to win in less than three rounds. “I think that you should follow your intuition, Spock.” When Spock looks at him, confused, Jim elaborates. “Bones may not want to talk, but there are other methods of communication. I would expect you, more than most people, to understand that.” Spock raises an eyebrow, and then realizes that his action is precisely what the Captain meant.

Spock feels a weight lift from his form and allows Jim to see a rare upturn of his mouth. “Thank you Jim,” Spock says, relief evident in his voice. His friend hums in a pleased tune and begins to clear the board. Their game is over, after the Captain’s last move. Spock thinks of Jim, Nyota, McCoy, and the late Ambassador, and wonders how he ever thought he could leave the _Enterprise_ ’s crew.

The Captain catches Spock’s eye and says abruptly, “I know you were thinking of leaving for New Vulcan, after Ambassador Spock died. I was wondering if-” He stops, and Spock is moved, not for the first time, by his friend’s ability to know exactly what Spock is thinking. 

“I do regret not consulting you in that decision,” Spock offers. 

When the Captain does not respond, lost in thought, Spock makes to leave dejectedly.

“Spock?” Spock stills in the doorframe and looks at his Captain. “I’m glad that I have the both of you here, with me,” Jim says, smiling softly and Spock knows he has been forgiven. Spock nods with a slight incline of his head, and steps into the hall. 

That night, Spock has his first truly restful sleep since the beginning of their new mission.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for taking the time to read my first fanfic!
> 
> Chapter 2 Preview:
> 
> _When Dr. McCoy visits the Bridge the next day, Spock has phase two prepared. However, he is not prepared for the Doctor sliding behind his station and firmly resting a distractingly warm hand on his shoulder._
> 
> _“How’re we reading today, Commander?” Dr. McCoy says, grinning._
> 
> _“To which readings are you referring, Doctor?” Spock asks, letting himself lean into the Doctor’s touch._
> 
> _“Oh well, I don’t know Spock,” the Doctor drawls, as he moves his thumb to lightly brush against the skin above Spock’s collar. “You tell me.” ___
> 
> _  
>   
> _
> 
> _  
> _Author's Song Recs:_  
> _
> 
> _  
> Drive - Awolnation  
>  All I Want is You - U2  
> Be Still - The Killers  
> Turning Out - AJR_


End file.
